Who Do I Think I Am?
I have been trying to figure out who the hell I am since I was born. I am still searching. The things I'm certain of is that I like to make people laugh, if I'm not being creative I would spiral into a deep depression, and I am always broke. I have been fighting so hard to be a full time artistic beauty blogger and Youtuber that it has officially run my pockets dry. When I even think or talk about quitting I hyperventilate into a crying fit so I guess that option is out.
That might sound silly to you, but it is part of what I am about.
I wanted this photoshoot to represent me, now. All of the professional images I had
were from years ago when I was more bubbly and cutesy in my pinup modeling adventures. "Cheesecake Pinup" innocence. That isn't what I am about anymore.
I am a 37 year old woman and my perception of life isn't seen through the eyes of a 20 something girl like it once was.
I follow a beauty blogger on Youtube named Rebecca under channel name "Frugalista Blog". I found her Youtube channel when I was searching for beauty bloggers in their 40's and she was one of the first that popped up. I thought, cool now I know there is a market for all ages in the beauty video world. But she said something last week that rang in my ears a bit. Something along the lines of how she wishes bigger beauty brands would market themselves to women over the age of 20 because we wear makeup too. I started thinking how the owners of these companies are all in their 40, 50's and even some 60's so why are they predominately choosing a demographic of young women? Anastasia, Too Faced, even Kat Von D. We shouldn't be left with the "unfun" cosmetic brands for "mature skin". From what I have noticed in my 10 years of working as a freelance makeup artist, the majority of clients who walk up to MAC with questions about choosing a lipstick or foundation are working mothers.
A couple of young gals that I work with mentioned the other day how "When they are 30 they are going to get plastic surgery and get everything lifted, especially their boobs". I was shocked. I didn't think boobs dropped until they were way older than that! I fired right back, "Well girls, I'm in my 30's and mine look great!" Even if they did drop, isn't that why we have bras? Plus if you have some wrinkles isn't that why we have photo editing? (insert cry laugh emoji here)
Just look at Baddie Winkie! She is my age-tastic role model.
It saddens me us women have so much pressure about maintaining our youth to the point of cutting into our faces and breasts. Now I don't have any problem with someone who chooses to do that, we are all of our own will and if that's what one needs, so be it. I just personally hope that I don't get to a mental state where when I see myself in the mirror, I don't like who looks back at me. I already give myself so much shit for gaining weight and it does bother me quite a bit. But it's ME in there...somewhere behind all of the tattoos and fat and skin, inside is a Seanna. I really want to be good to her. I want to praise her and love her. I could cry just thinking about how I have been so hard on her. She is just trying to live and love and enjoy this life given to her. Why do I give her so much shit?
I've really been trying to figure out who I want to be on my Youtube channel. I've decided that my artistic side is what needs to shine through and I need to drop the ageism I have branded on myself and just be whomever naturally flows from within. I don't want to follow the rules in the beauty industry and I never have. I don't have to do a full face using only highlights tag. I don't need to live in California in order to rub elbows with other popular bloggers. I don't need to try to be anyone else or compare myself.
So that's it. Even though I still don't know "Who I am" or if I'll ever figure it out, I hope that I can at least learn to love myself for exactly who I've become.
Thanks for visiting.
Photography, Editing, Makeup, Hair, Styling are all done by yours truly.
Copyright included, wink!